the journey

In the year 2000, I had my entire life mapped out in my head. I was not quite 19 years old but I knew how life would go. 

I'd continue in my current job working at The Disney Store in the mall. I'd leave that summer for my college internship at Disney World and come back with a host of new experiences to share and use in my career. I'd keep studying in college, getting my teaching degree in high school English. Then get married. All within three years or so. I'd have three children - two boys and a girl -  and then I'd be a stay-at-home mom. The BEST stay-at-home mom, who never yelled and whose house always smelled of fresh baked bread. 

And I'd do all this with my best friend Bobbe at my side. We were two peas in the same pod and would move forward through life together, forever, Amen.

  

Then April 20, 2000 hit like a hurricane. Bobbe was in a serious car accident. She did not make it. She died and I felt like I had too. Nothing mattered anymore. 

My world had collapsed but time keeps moving. You can't change that.

I kept my college internship because everyone said it would help, being away from home for a while. And it did. I met amazing people, who, to this day, I still call my friends. When I got home from Florida, things fell apart again. I was severely depressed so I took a semester off from school to re-evaluate. I took multiple aptitude tests because teaching didn't seem right anymore. I ended up back at school in the spring with a new major - Business and Marketing. 

Because of this new major, I met and made friends with a whole new crowd of people I'd never have met otherwise. I was still sad and overwhelmed by Bobbe's death but time was passing. Quickly. 

Bobbe's family had always considered me one of their own and this led to me becoming dear friends with one of her cousins, Angie. 

More time passed. I finished school with my BS in Marketing (a degree I have never used to this day). During my final semester, Angie moved to Utah. A year later I followed her there. Honestly, I moved because I had nothing better to do. I had been working and going on lots of first dates but no second ones. All I had was time on my hands. So I moved to Utah thinking a change would do me good. 

By this time it was 2005 and losing Bobbe from my life had gotten a little easier. I was still upset that she wasn't experiencing life with me but, time heals, as they say.  

I knew the move to Utah was the right one but it was a huge leap of faith for me. I changed states with no job secured and only my savings to tide me over. Then, one week to the day, after moving in, I had a job lined up. Six months after that, I was set up on a blind date with Jason, my husband. Eight months after that, we were married. 

 

Time passes. Sometimes quicker than we're ready for. And change occurs. It's scary at times, especially for me. But had all these changes not happened I would NOT be the person I am today. It's not the life I mapped out 18 years ago but it's still pretty beautiful. 

The big question is - Do I think I'd still be where I am now if Bobbe had lived? After much consideration and thoughtful prayer, my sincere answer is no. I believe my life would have still been good with her by my side but I would absolutely not be where I am now or the person I am today. 

I tell you all this because I want you to know that I can see God's hand in my life. What started out as the most horrible change I could ever imagine, slowly morphed into a different but wonderful life. My plan for myself was not what Heavenly Father had in mind for me. The changes were subtle at times but all have led me to where I am now. 

I have learned to try and not resist change. Because who am I to know better than He? Sometimes it seems like the harder path but I always get to where I need to be. And for that, I am humbly grateful. 

 

 

offspring

I've been re-reading some of my parenting books recently. OK, I read them all in one night. 

I have felt at such a loss as to how I should communicate and discipline my children lately. Jason helps a TON, but after he's at work, it falls to me to be the parent. The one who deals with the after-school meltdowns, the bedtime tantrums about brushing teeth and the heartbreaking sound of my baby saying "no" to hugs and kisses at bedtime. 

I'm struggling to be the kind and caring stay at home mom I always imagined I'd be - baking cookies before they came home from school to a clean house with activities ready to stave off boredom. 

Instead I've got down the basics. Feed them. Clean them. Clean up after them. Get them to bed before I have a mental breakdown. Some days that's enough. Most of the time I don't feel like it is.  

I've read through all the parenting books you see. Some are wonderfully helpful. Others - I could do without. 

It helps that I already know who my children are. 

Penny is imaginative, sensitive, fair and very animated.  
Everett is always busy, energetic, fearless and independent. 

Now these descriptions can be seen in both a positive or a negative light depending on the situation. For my purposes, I'm trying only to see the good. 

Knowing the personalities of my children is great but I don't always know the best way to interact with them. Discipline is also a struggle. I want them to understand if an action is incorrect but I don't want to kill off the innate spark of joy they both contain. There's a fine line between correcting and becoming the "mommy monster." I find myself crossing that line all the time. 

I also want to show them love in the ways they understand it best. After re-reading The 5 Love Languages for Children (a very good read, I must say) Jason and I discovered that both of our children react very positively to spending quality time with us. Either alone with one parent or together as a family. Knowing this, we have tried to set up some small parent/kid dates so they can feel that connection to us. 

I've noticed that spending a little more time paying attention instead of hurrying through the day improves sour moods almost immediately. For them as well as for me. Penny also enjoys small gifts (even if it's just a treat from the grocery store). Something to let her know you were thinking of her. Everett loves you to tell him how good he is doing at something and for us to say I love you. 

Now, these books are just outlines. I have to be the one to complete the story of how I am with my children. And every day builds a new chapter of challenges and greater insights. I love my kids fiercely and want them to grow up happy, however that develops for them. So if encouraging that involves me reading four parenting books in one night - so be it. 

Anything for these two little bugs. 

 

once more with feeling

I want to start blogging again. Regularly. But after all this time, I almost don't know where to begin. My last post was over a year ago and then two years for the post before that. 

Somewhere along the line I lost my confidence. I can blame it on the bipolar but it's probably just laziness. Laziness and a lack of feeling that my blog mattered.  Even to me.

I didn't write about Everett being born, which I regret immensely. I didn't write about my second foray into the mental hospital which was just last October. That was something I wanted to post for future reference. I haven't had the energy, the purpose or the words to document my life the way I wanted to when I started this blog. I had such high hopes for it back then. I'd write every few days, even if it was just a little, expressing my thoughts and feelings with great aplomb. 

Instead, a self-consciousness overcame my brain and I began worrying more about how people would view me as apposed to how I wanted to see me.  

I began comparing myself to others who had better pictures, better words and better lives. 

I sit here contemplating what to write about. My life isn't the most exciting. I'm an anxious, bipolar, stay at home mom who doesn't have grand adventures anymore. 

That last sentence makes me a little sad. 

I love my life and the people who share it but sometimes I feel I've lost my purpose. The gospel speaks of talents and gifts but I don't know that I've ever found mine. If I have, maybe the many medications have washed them from memory. 

So here we are again.

I know I've repeated myself in a dozen different posts about doing better at writing, but this time I mean it. Even if it's just being a little bit better.