bad connection

Over the past few months I've read numerous blog posts about trying to connect with a child who is different than you. But what if your child is exactly like you? 

What do you do when their behavior mirrors your own? How do you cope when your weaknesses are theirs? How do you parent when you are so alike that you easily get under each other's skin?

I've written on here before about how Penny and I butt heads. We even went to therapy for 8 months, trying to figure out why we fight for power in any given situation. The grapple for control between us just makes me crazy. 

The problem is I in her the things I struggled with at that age. Talking too much and getting in trouble at school; having a hard time making and keeping friends; feeling things so deeply that each set back feels like the end of the world. I understand how deeply she can hurt but I have no control over it. I can only tell her I understand and see the disbelief in her face.

Being so much alike can be easier on some levels because I can almost anticipate her reaction to things. But it's also as frustrating as hell because she handles things the way I do, forcing me to see how I react to the world. 

Maybe that's what makes the situation so difficult. I see in her things I want to change in myself. And maybe that's the solution. I need to rethink how I react so that she can see my behavior and maybe follow my example. It's worth a try. 

Because if I don't start trying something different, we will forever be two immovable objects caught in a never-ending fight for control.

offspring

I've been re-reading some of my parenting books recently. OK, I read them all in one night. 

I have felt at such a loss as to how I should communicate and discipline my children lately. Jason helps a TON, but after he's at work, it falls to me to be the parent. The one who deals with the after-school meltdowns, the bedtime tantrums about brushing teeth and the heartbreaking sound of my baby saying "no" to hugs and kisses at bedtime. 

I'm struggling to be the kind and caring stay at home mom I always imagined I'd be - baking cookies before they came home from school to a clean house with activities ready to stave off boredom. 

Instead I've got down the basics. Feed them. Clean them. Clean up after them. Get them to bed before I have a mental breakdown. Some days that's enough. Most of the time I don't feel like it is.  

I've read through all the parenting books you see. Some are wonderfully helpful. Others - I could do without. 

It helps that I already know who my children are. 

Penny is imaginative, sensitive, fair and very animated.  
Everett is always busy, energetic, fearless and independent. 

Now these descriptions can be seen in both a positive or a negative light depending on the situation. For my purposes, I'm trying only to see the good. 

Knowing the personalities of my children is great but I don't always know the best way to interact with them. Discipline is also a struggle. I want them to understand if an action is incorrect but I don't want to kill off the innate spark of joy they both contain. There's a fine line between correcting and becoming the "mommy monster." I find myself crossing that line all the time. 

I also want to show them love in the ways they understand it best. After re-reading The 5 Love Languages for Children (a very good read, I must say) Jason and I discovered that both of our children react very positively to spending quality time with us. Either alone with one parent or together as a family. Knowing this, we have tried to set up some small parent/kid dates so they can feel that connection to us. 

I've noticed that spending a little more time paying attention instead of hurrying through the day improves sour moods almost immediately. For them as well as for me. Penny also enjoys small gifts (even if it's just a treat from the grocery store). Something to let her know you were thinking of her. Everett loves you to tell him how good he is doing at something and for us to say I love you. 

Now, these books are just outlines. I have to be the one to complete the story of how I am with my children. And every day builds a new chapter of challenges and greater insights. I love my kids fiercely and want them to grow up happy, however that develops for them. So if encouraging that involves me reading four parenting books in one night - so be it. 

Anything for these two little bugs. 

 

learning together

 

Reference this blog post, 5 and fighting.

Penny and I have started going to a family therapist together. It began as a way for her to express the anxiety she seemed to be displaying at school. It's quickly turned into therapy for me. If you've read any of my posts before, you know I'm no stranger to therapy. I just hadn't expected these sessions to be so cathartic for me. 

Penny has been doing mostly play therapy, where there is a sand tray and figurines of all kinds. She makes up a story each week and I try to figure out, with the therapist's help, what is going on in her mind that day. Hearing how she sees the world has confirmed many things I thought I already knew about my daughter. She smart. Whip-cracking smart. And funny. Kind, very empathetic and values fairness above most things.

And she can read my moods better than I can. I've learned she feeds off my anxiety a lot of the time. I've learned that she is quickly growing into her own personality, with strong likes and dislikes. She's very passionate about her feelings which can translate into a dramatic meltdown at the least little thing. This is her. 

I, on the other hand, don't handle the dramatics as well as I should. But I'm learning. I'm learning to calm myself before interacting with her tantrums. That seems to be the key. It's not as easy as it seems because my first instinct is to snap out in anger and yell. But that only compounds the heightened situation. 

So I have begun giving her options - ones she may not like but can live with. Sometimes I have her make up her own options just to give her a chance to problem solve on her own. She's wickedly smart so most of the time she comes up with better choices than I do. 

I'm also learning that I have to forgive myself for things that haven't happened yet. My biggest fear for my children is that they'll inherit my bipolar disorder. I don't want that for them. But as the therapist says - it hasn't happened yet so I should stop creating more anxiety for myself. 

Since starting weekly therapy about two and a half months ago, things have gotten better. The world is not suddenly rose-colored but Penny's daily anxiety-induced stomachaches have stopped and the frequency of tantrums has dropped. It's become something we both look forward to. 

I don't know how long we'll need this, but I'm glad to have the resources available to proceed. She's my strong, warrior child and I want all the best things in the world for her. Even if that means learning now that the world is hard but there are ways to get through it.  

5 and fighting

My daughter, Penny, is five years old. A 35 pound ball of unrelenting energy that bounces around our house from one interest to the next. My child has been blessed with a remarkable creativity, an intelligence and a will to accomplish everything she imagines. All of these things will suit her well as an adult. When it comes to force of will, she's like her mother. I, too, possess a will to have things my own way. A will that says I'm the authority, the one in charge. 

Being alike in this has caused no end of strife in our home. My husband calls it the "unstoppable force meeting the immovable object." 

I'm the mom but she doesn't falter. If I say one thing, it's immediately wrong. In her mind, she's an adult with wishes and demands that she is fully expecting to be fulfilled. In her mind, she is the final authority. And I can't leave it alone. I have to correct her.