the journey

In the year 2000, I had my entire life mapped out in my head. I was not quite 19 years old but I knew how life would go. 

I'd continue in my current job working at The Disney Store in the mall. I'd leave that summer for my college internship at Disney World and come back with a host of new experiences to share and use in my career. I'd keep studying in college, getting my teaching degree in high school English. Then get married. All within three years or so. I'd have three children - two boys and a girl -  and then I'd be a stay-at-home mom. The BEST stay-at-home mom, who never yelled and whose house always smelled of fresh baked bread. 

And I'd do all this with my best friend Bobbe at my side. We were two peas in the same pod and would move forward through life together, forever, Amen.

  

Then April 20, 2000 hit like a hurricane. Bobbe was in a serious car accident. She did not make it. She died and I felt like I had too. Nothing mattered anymore. 

My world had collapsed but time keeps moving. You can't change that.

I kept my college internship because everyone said it would help, being away from home for a while. And it did. I met amazing people, who, to this day, I still call my friends. When I got home from Florida, things fell apart again. I was severely depressed so I took a semester off from school to re-evaluate. I took multiple aptitude tests because teaching didn't seem right anymore. I ended up back at school in the spring with a new major - Business and Marketing. 

Because of this new major, I met and made friends with a whole new crowd of people I'd never have met otherwise. I was still sad and overwhelmed by Bobbe's death but time was passing. Quickly. 

Bobbe's family had always considered me one of their own and this led to me becoming dear friends with one of her cousins, Angie. 

More time passed. I finished school with my BS in Marketing (a degree I have never used to this day). During my final semester, Angie moved to Utah. A year later I followed her there. Honestly, I moved because I had nothing better to do. I had been working and going on lots of first dates but no second ones. All I had was time on my hands. So I moved to Utah thinking a change would do me good. 

By this time it was 2005 and losing Bobbe from my life had gotten a little easier. I was still upset that she wasn't experiencing life with me but, time heals, as they say.  

I knew the move to Utah was the right one but it was a huge leap of faith for me. I changed states with no job secured and only my savings to tide me over. Then, one week to the day, after moving in, I had a job lined up. Six months after that, I was set up on a blind date with Jason, my husband. Eight months after that, we were married. 

 

Time passes. Sometimes quicker than we're ready for. And change occurs. It's scary at times, especially for me. But had all these changes not happened I would NOT be the person I am today. It's not the life I mapped out 18 years ago but it's still pretty beautiful. 

The big question is - Do I think I'd still be where I am now if Bobbe had lived? After much consideration and thoughtful prayer, my sincere answer is no. I believe my life would have still been good with her by my side but I would absolutely not be where I am now or the person I am today. 

I tell you all this because I want you to know that I can see God's hand in my life. What started out as the most horrible change I could ever imagine, slowly morphed into a different but wonderful life. My plan for myself was not what Heavenly Father had in mind for me. The changes were subtle at times but all have led me to where I am now. 

I have learned to try and not resist change. Because who am I to know better than He? Sometimes it seems like the harder path but I always get to where I need to be. And for that, I am humbly grateful. 

 

 

this stage of life

Let me make something clear. This is not a cry for help or meant to be a woe-is-me post. More of just an observation two people had about their lives.

Today I had an interesting conversation with a good friend of mine. The subject was on making new friends. And not just any new friends, but close friends. She lives in Arizona, in a new house, with a new church family, new everything. She made the observation that by our stage of life, most people (especially women) have already found their close friends. Their tribe. Their support through the good and bad and mundane. 

This can make it hard to interweave yourself into that established group when everyone already knows their parts. 

Now don't misunderstand. I have some very close friends. Who happen to live not so close. One's in Phoenix, one in Canada and one, though in Utah, is 40 minutes away. These three amazing women have been my friends for an average of 15 years. I don't get to see these awesome ladies nearly as much as I wish. We text or Facebook and sometimes write letters. But it's definitely not the same as having them in your house. 

And there's the rub. I've known these women for YEARS. Am I past the stage where finding new life-long friends is over?

That's where I hit a snag. 

We've been in Utah almost two years and in our new house a year and a half. And I still haven't made any very close friends. It might have something to do with the fact that I'm home all day and making new friends is hard when you almost never leave the house. However, I have been making a concerted effort. I've joined two book clubs and have attended most church activities. 

But it still feels more like Facebook "friends" or acquaintances than bosom friends, as Anne Shirley would say. And Facebook makes it really easy to keep people as acquaintances. 

Am I past the age where making fast friends was fast and easy? I know that I'm must more introverted than I was 20 years ago. That's just a fact. And I'm sure my crippling social anxiety also plays its part. But there has to be an easier way of doing this. Am I making it too complicated?

If you're in the same boat, I'd love to know. I know we can't be the only ones who feel like this.

an introvert on making friends

I found this picture on Facebook awhile back and decided to save it because of how honestly it lays out the way an introvert thinks. I am an introvert. If you knew me in high school and are thinking "No, you're wrong, you're totally an extrovert", let me tell you now - I was faking it. All those years of joining the pep squad and attending football games with a crowd of people and being wildly obnoxious at dances - totally and completely faking it.