how far we've come

"This is my blog. A mere attempt at organizing the chaos in my brain into something coherent and rational. Or at least aesthetically composed. I will write of what I know and what I feel. There will probably be moments of brutal honesty and honest feeling. I will withstand the urge to write about my job (except in the broadest of terms) and my families, unless someone really pisses me off. Then they're fair game. But I don't feel I should have to apologize for how this could make you feel.
Life does not come equipped with subtitles. Sometimes you just have to guess at what [the person is saying]."


Way back in August of 2008, this was my first blog post. If you can't read between the lines a bit, I was angry. Always angry. I thought a blog would be a great place for me to compose my thoughts and feelings into "something coherent". Something I could conserve on "paper" for posterity. Instead, for the first few years at least, what poured out was anger. Oh, it might have been disguised as humor or self-deprecation but that wasn't what it boiled down to - I was angry. At life, at the world, at random people. And it all stemmed from my bipolar disorder though I didn't know it until 3 years later.  

Once I received help and medications for my bipolar disease (because it is a disease), my posts changed. I was able to express, through words, that happiness that had been hidden inside for so long under all the anger. 

At the beginning I thought I would become famous because of the blog and that I'd find some self-worth through it all. I longed for recognition for my writing and craved an online community I could interact with. Because I was lonely. And horribly angry. I thought looking outside myself would solve both those problems. As you can guess, neither of those things happened. My blog is still only read by family and close friends. I'm not famous. But my words are still my own. I'm not lonely anymore nor am I angry. Medications went a long way to helping that. But so did REAL friends and a closeness with family. 

All this to say - if you're new here - Welcome. I'm glad you stopped by and hope you'll stick around. If I'm not your cup of tea, that's fine too. Maybe down the road we can meet again.