why do today what you can do tomorrow

Man, I'm the queen of putting things off. After so many years I should have my BS in procrastination. I just put things off and keep shoving them away until some other time and, turns out, I don't even need an excuse. But I make them up anyway.


Oh, I'm too busy with the baby.
I can't do that because I have to do this other important thing. 
Tomorrow's just as good as today. 


That last one's my favorite. Which is why on January 18th I'm finally getting around to my New Year's resolutions. Yep, I know it's waaaay after the new year. Yes, I'm well aware that this is also called laziness. Uh huh, I know Stop Procrastinating should be numero uno on my list of resolutions. Instead I'm just going to go ahead with the understanding that not putting things off is woven it's way throughout the entire list of goals. When you read the list just mutter without procrastination under your breath as you go.


1. Exercise at least 5 days out of 7 - I fully intend to begin making a habit of this. You know, instead of procrastinating being the habit. I have 70 pounds to lose and I'm giving myself a year to do it in.


2. Stop spending the day in my sweats - Sweats are truly the most comfortable thing in the world but I am trying to stop being such a slob and actually get dressed every day. It's gotten to the point where every time I put real clothes on Penny thinks we're going to the store.


3. Apply make up daily and not think of it as a waste if I don't actually leave the house - see #2.


4. Read something non-fiction - I really need to broaden my reading horizons.


5. Learn to do something new that scares me - This could be anything from learning to sew to redesigning my blog layout. Too many "new things" make me nervous it's hard to pick just the one...


6. Be more interactive with Penny - She's so content to play by herself that too often I let her do her own thing. I need to really step up more and put in the time.


And that's it. Well, actually that's not all of them but, really, I made so many goals that I know I'm probably not going to keep. Why go through the humiliation of listing them all publicly? These are the only ones that seemed important enough to keep. Baby steps as they say. I've stated the goal and now on to the journey.

n: to occur or come between two things

I've tried many times over the last week to write this post. It's been very difficult because I don't want there to be any more negative feelings than there already have been. But I have to put this out there or I might just explode. 


I'm not sorry about what happened. Let's say that first and foremost. Not sorry. No, not at all. Angry, hurt, frustrated, sorrowful. All of those things but not sorry. Oh, and tired. So very, very tired.


Last week I was part of an intervention for someone I care for dearly. It was one of the most difficult and frustrating experiences I've ever been involved with. Just the time and effort related to this endeavor were staggering. And the bottom line is it didn't work. Not in the least. Very little was heard or even understood through the haze of fury that covered their eyes like a fog. Then like the lancing of a wound, ugly disease filled feelings gushed out, infecting everyone in the process. It was infuriating to not be heard even when it was all truth, especially the hard to hear parts. Instead of progress, what's left was hard feelings and the need to use kid gloves. What's said was said and nothing was accomplished and that's the truth. 


So now here we are a week later with not much to show for our efforts. I don't know that anything has changed. But maybe it won't get any worse. Maybe. It's been said that this felt like a dress rehearsal for mourning. If things don't change dramatically it could be. I pray it's not. But for now what I'm left with is sadness and frustration. And one tiny, tiny grain of hope. 

'tis the season

Shopping during the holidays present a bit of a challenge for me. No, it's not the crowds or all the strange people bumping into me, although I hate that. To my mind there is only one place on EARTH where that is acceptable behavior. Disneyland. And as much as I want it to be, Wal-Mart isn't Disneyland, so stop touching me!


My problem with holiday shopping is the stuff. All the lovely stuff. On sale. Calling to me. 


I walk into a store and the first thought my brain screams at me is BUY ALL THE THINGS! The second thought is BUY MORE OF ALL THE THINGS! Thoughts three through ten are much the same. Buy all the things, while my wallet whispers don't even think about it. But my wallet is so quiet and the displays are so LOUD. Even if I'm at Home Depot. And I'm definitely not a handy person, but that doesn't matter at the holidays. The perpetual season of hope promises that if I buy the things, the talent will come. Want to tile your bathroom? Buy that circular saw that's on sale and all will be well. That decorating project you've had in the back of your mind for a year? Well NOW is exactly the time you should spend $300 on it!


It makes me wish I didn't have such a strong moral compass when it comes to stealing. Think of all the things I could have if I had a more convoluted ethical mind. And I would have a code. Oh yes. A thieving code. I'd never steal from someone I knew. Unless your name is Erin Pickett and we were in the third grade together. Then I have a confession. It was me who stole your bunny-shaped eraser.


No, I'm not sorry. It was the third grade. And it was a Bunny. Shaped. Eraser. 


Enough said. 


But back to the stuff. The other 330 days of the year I have no problem ignoring their siren call. Then comes Black Friday and suddenly things that were too far out of reach have now been price-reduced to just barely out of bounds. What's a greedy little elf to do? And it's nearly impossible to avoid a store for more than a month, especially when they are there every time I turn on the computer. So I give in. Just a little. Then maybe just a bit more. And before I know it I've eaten the entire pie. 


Figuratively speaking.


Oh well, 'tis the season. Merry Christmas everyone.

an open letter to you

We never talk anymore. I can't even remember the last conversation we had that wasn't in person. That's been a long time. And it's my fault. I really dislike talking on the phone. It feels awkward. I'm a visual person and not being able to see your expressions and dramatic hand gestures puts me at a loss. Even as a teenager I had a hard time with the phone. What to say, what to bring to the conversation that hadn't already been said a hundred times before. After you've filled me in on your life, I feel stuck. What to say now? My life revolves around Penelope. Every story begins and ends with her. I don't have much more of myself to bring to the table. She is my whole day and how many cutesy stories can you take? As for me, do you really want to listen to how I had a horrible withdrawal reaction to one of my bipolar medications? Want to hear about how I have nightmares that I'll be recommitted to the psychiatric hospital and never let out? Or how we put up the Christmas tree and Penny seems physically incapable of keeping her hands off it? Wait. Sorry. That's a Penny story. Again. 

And that's really all the stories I have anymore.

But not liking to talk on the phone is a pitiful excuse. A pitiful excuse for not communicating and makes me a poor excuse for a friend. I miss your voice and hearing about you. And what about texting, emailing and Skype? In this day I could talk to you a hundred different ways without ever actually hearing a dial tone. So I'm sorry for failing you in this, for making excuses. Excuses are inexcusable. 

You are family as well as my friend. I shouldn't put my phone-talking deficiencies ahead of hearing about you. Because that's why I should be calling - to hear crazy stories from your life since we feel so far apart. It's a poor excuse for friendship and, again, I'm sorry. I promise I'll do better. 

Love you.

hamburger, vajayjay, or who ha

{While lying in bed, trying to fall asleep}

Jason:  Did you teach Penny the word "pee-pee"?

Me:  I think I've used it before, yeah, why?

Jason:  She pointed to her, um...parts, and said "pee-pee" during her bath and I know I've never used it before. I was just wondering where she heard it.

Me:  Yeah, I told her that. I figured that was a safe enough word for it. I didn't want to use "hamburger" or something and her forever have a weird sexual connotation to a random object. "Vagina" is a little grown up for her and I refuse to call it a "vajayjay." That word makes me want to mind-vomit. I usually call it a "who ha" but you kind of have to use that in context or it could mean anything. So "pee-pee"; it's where the pee comes out, so "pee-pee". I made an executive decision without you and if you don't like it you should say something now so we can change it or we'll have to live with it forever. 

Jason:  {snore}

Me:  "Pee-pee" it is.