back in the saddle

Since the last time I blogged, much has happened. I say that every time I take a hiatus from writing but it's true. Life continues and things progress whether I write about it or not.

But this time we added a whole new family member to the group. Calvin Scott Hunter was born a month early on February 21, 2019. He came out after 3 pushes with the cord wrapped around his neck twice. Luckily, it was only loosely wrapped and the bigger concerns were that he couldn't regulate his body temperature and his blood sugar was dangerously low. 

However, he's not one to stay down and after only 2.5 days in the NICU, he came home, looking like a baby doll in his big car seat, weighing in at only 5lbs 13 oz.

Yesterday we celebrated his 1st birthday and he is thriving. He's on the cusp of walking, pulling himself around furniture and climbing on things. He is a joy of a baby but he will definitely let his opinions be known when he wants something.

This year has been filled with other things too. We went on a family reunion trip with Jason's family to Colorado in June, I had a hysterectomy in November, a Thanksmas trip to Dallas in December and then I had carpal tunnel surgery last week.

Busy, fun and necessary describes this last year.

And through it all I've had very few mental health ups and downs. My medications have kept me incredibly steady (except for an incident with a breast feeding medication that I'll talk about later). I've had the normal hormonal issues that come from having a baby and a hysterectomy but I've stayed stable.

2019 was an incredible year and a great blessing to our family. So many wonderful and needed things happened. I know 2020 has already begun, but I'm excited to see what the rest of the year will bring. 

why so serious?

"Mommy, listen to this!"

Tells joke they just made up and isn't remotely funny. 

~light chuckle~

"Mom - that was funny! Why didn't you laugh? Wasn't I funny?"

Ouch. 

Kids can really cut right to it. Why hadn't I laughed? And why don't I laugh more? 

The thing is, I love to laugh. Some of my fondest memories with friends and family are ones filled with laughter. Great deep belly-laughs that cause tears to stream down my cheeks. Moments that cause inside jokes that last for decades. I love those kinds of laughs.

So why don't I laugh more with my kids? I've become too serious and stern for no good reason - other than the fact that I became a mom. Motherhood has changed me. Some for the better and some definitely for the worse. My bipolar issues also certainly don't help the matter. Since my diagnosis, I've found myself the quietest that I've ever been. In my high school years, I was seriously, obnoxiously loud and silly. Laughing all the time. Now, silence and polite laughs have become my forte. And I know it's all me. When my kids want to be silly, all I can think is "Please stop interrupting what I'm doing. I'm busy."

Too busy to laugh with them....how awful is that? 

I could blame it on the stressfulness of being a parent but that's crap. Everyone knows laughter can relieve stress. So it comes down to me. How do I want my home to sound? Silent as my perfect children of the corn while away hours playing by themselves? Or do I want to be part of their sweet laughter? As I've mentioned before, Jason plays the silly games and laughs at the thousandth joke. He makes them laugh. I crack a smile. Or half. 

That makes my heart hurt. That I find it hard to join in.

I want my home to be a welcoming place where the kids can feel relaxed and as happy as possible. And I know that includes mommy laughing more. 

So that's my goal this week, this month, this year and all the years to come. I want their memories full of laughter. Mine included.