the bipolar express

I wonder when I became such a pessimist. Does it stem from the mental illness or was it always there? I heard a song by The Police on the radio the other day and a lyric from the tune jumped out and hit me over the head as exactly how I was feeling - "It's a big enough umbrella but it's always me that ends up getting wet." I remember thinking "Oh wow, that is so my life." 


Except it's not. It's an almost depressing sentiment in the middle of a song about how a man is in awe of the woman he loves. Is this how I've begun to see the world? Hopefully this is all just the lack of therapeutic med levels talking and once I'm stable again I'll feel differently.


Speaking of medications which keep me sane...


Did you ever play that game as a kid where you spin around in a circle as fast as you can until you stop to throw up? That's how the last month and a half have been for me. The medication that I had been on since May had begun to display it's most hated side effect. Weight gain. The average amount of weight gain on this med is 40lbs. 


FORTY. POUNDS. 


That's two of Penny just in weight that I would probably gain without the benefits of excess chocolate. Plus, it was making me tired all the time so a revision had to be made. I decided to go ahead and see the doctor my office was assigning patients to after my original doctor left. I was apprehensive but hopeful. Turns out I didn't have anything to worry about. The new doctor was efficient and quick, two qualities I prefer in a doctor. So after one dosage variation and no change to the tiredness or weight, we decided to start from scratch. The new approach would be a separate medicine for depression and anxiety, basically what I had tried a few years ago but at different levels of newer prescriptions.


For two glorious weeks I felt like a rock star. I was able to plan and execute Penny's 2nd birthday party and Halloween with no issues. I felt like myself instead of a crazy woman just faking it and saying everything was hunky-dory. The third week found me crying at night for no apparent reason. The fourth week was just short of Hell. I was back to being where I was before I went into the hospital. It had taken only four short weeks to get me back to what had before taken a year. 


Back to the doctor I went. It turns out I definitely need a mood stabilizer to be a functioning human being. Three new drugs later and so far so good.


The real test will be the Christmas season. We have plans for visiting family and for family visiting us and I want to be as relaxed and unstressed as possible. You know, more on the non-crazy side of the fence than the crazy side, with me under the umbrella.

building vocabulary

Penny said her first cuss word today. Properly too, I might add. While carrying a couple of empty pots around the living room, she tripped and dropped them. Then we heard, "Oh shit" calmly carrying through to the kitchen. Not an exclamatory interjection. More a statement of fact. She then proceeded to drop things on purpose and use this phrase approximately 47 times in a 15 minute period. I can already hear my mom. 


Jamie, I can't believe you would use such language around your precious little baby! And enough that she picked it up! AND can use it correctly!!!  


Yes, multiple exclamation points would be needed. 


My mom is obviously overlooking the fact that my daughter is so smart she can use "shit" correctly in a sentence before she's even two years old. That's a genius child, right there. And Penny wasn't using it to shock. She didn't even look at us to see our reactions. She was just talking to herself. She just happened to be swearing when she did it.


But yes, I do use such language around my child. Not on purpose. OK, wait. Yes. Sometimes on purpose. But it's like when we as parents agreed that we were going to try not to teach her the word "no" for as long as possible. Then the first time she's about to stick a car key into the blu-ray player you forget all about using phrases like "Please, don't do that" and "I really wish you wouldn't." Uh-uh. Instead you yell NO as loudly as you can because we all know babies have selective hearing. 


The point is, it just slips out. When she was born I didn't get all excited about the new and inventive swear words I could teach her. But I'm human, and a potty mouth, and sometimes it just happens. 


So Jason and I have agreed that we're going to be much more careful about the words we choose to use around her. The little sponge just soaks up everything. And instead of telling her how proud I am of her that she can use that word correctly, I'm just going to ignore it and hopefully it'll go away. 


But for the record, I'm so proud! 

the quickest way to crazy

Want to know the fastest way to cause someone like me an anxiety attack?


How about I call my psychiatrist's office to change the time of my next appointment and they tell me that my doctor, who I've been seeing for 4 months, is no longer a part of their group. And no, they don't know where he went but his PA will be taking over his patients.


Are you kidding me? When was I going to be told? He's really gone? Does that mean my already scheduled appointment will be transferred to the PA's appointment books?


No, she only works on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays and your appointment is on a Friday. 


So you can't move my appointment?


Well, no because you're appointment is on a Friday. And she only works Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays.


So does that mean you can't move my appointment to one of those days?


Is that what you want to do? 


Really?!?! You have to ask me that? After I just asked if my appointment could be moved over? You know you're dealing with people who have mental problems, right? That's kind of your whole clientele. Don't start giving me the run-around right after you've told them you no longer have the doctor I've come to rely on.


But, Yes! Of course I want my appointment moved!


So I make a new appointment and am hanging up the phone when it hits me - I think I just scheduled to see the awful PA who let me wait a day and a half before seeing me in the hospital. But then I remember, wait, I have my doctor's email address. He gave it to me at our first meeting. I whip that bad boy out and click-clack out a distressed email asking what-the-fruit basket is going on. My answer?


An automated vacation reply.


Sob.


So I wait and try not to freak out. It'll be fine, right? I'm practically on a medication upkeep basis anyway. It won't really matter who I see, right? Right? Except this is the lady who kept me waiting a day and a half before she found the time to see me. A day and a half. While I was locked in a mental institution.


And then, miraculously, I get an actual email reply from my doctor. I eagerly open it and find that it only contains a website. Hoping it contains answers to all my worries and concerns, I click. It only has one page - a page under construction telling me that my doctor is moving his main practice to a new facility in Provo. That's wonderful! So much closer than my previous drive to Salt Lake.


But that's it. Just that he's moving. All the page links say "coming soon." So I email him back to ask if my existing appointment with him will carry over. His reply - keep checking the website.


Does no one remember that I'm a MENTAL PATIENT? You can't just leave us people hanging. The OCD will kick in and I'll be checking that web page every 5 minutes to see if it updated yet.


Great doctor/patient skills there, Doc. I'd complain more but his succinct personality is kind of why I liked him in the first place. So I'll keep checking, and keep emailing, and with that, the anxiety will slowly climb down from eleven.

popsicles and super grover

We only teach the important words in this household. 

summer fun

This summer has just been chocked full of fun-ness. Besides San Diego, we have a trip planned to Yellowstone with some very good friends and Penny had her first ever swim lessons.

Swim lessons have been something that I was very excited to do for Penny. As a parent, I don't want her to be afraid of the water but, being so young, she also needs a healthy respect for it. And respect is almost impossible to guarantee when dealing with a 21 month old. But I thought it was time to at least start.

Spanish Fork City luckily offered a Mommy & Me class for kids under 4 years old. We took the class for 2 weeks and, honestly, didn't really learn much. I thought the kids would be a little closer to Penny's age instead of the age limit. Because most of the kids were at least a year older, the teachers played to their strengths, such as being able to listen and actually take instructions. There were only 2 or 3 kids under two so mostly we just focused on getting our babies to lay on their backs or stomachs and kick their legs. Penny was very enthusiastic when it came to kicking and less so when it came to using her arms like shovels to scoop the water. So even though the class wasn't totally geared towards us, we made the best of it, playing in the water as much as we could and enjoying the sun. I think by next summer, she'll be as much of a water baby as I was. 

Our next big summer adventure takes us to Yellowstone National Park. We'll be there for a long weekend, giving us enough time to enjoy the sights but not get tired of looking at trees and rocks. We're going with a couple of very good friends who have a son a few months younger than Penny so we'll all have someone to play with. I can't wait to try out some new photo techniques I've learned on the gorgeous scenery up there. I hope to come home with some great pictures. And maybe a moose. If I can fit him in the trunk.