the bipolar express

I wonder when I became such a pessimist. Does it stem from the mental illness or was it always there? I heard a song by The Police on the radio the other day and a lyric from the tune jumped out and hit me over the head as exactly how I was feeling - "It's a big enough umbrella but it's always me that ends up getting wet." I remember thinking "Oh wow, that is so my life." 


Except it's not. It's an almost depressing sentiment in the middle of a song about how a man is in awe of the woman he loves. Is this how I've begun to see the world? Hopefully this is all just the lack of therapeutic med levels talking and once I'm stable again I'll feel differently.


Speaking of medications which keep me sane...


Did you ever play that game as a kid where you spin around in a circle as fast as you can until you stop to throw up? That's how the last month and a half have been for me. The medication that I had been on since May had begun to display it's most hated side effect. Weight gain. The average amount of weight gain on this med is 40lbs. 


FORTY. POUNDS. 


That's two of Penny just in weight that I would probably gain without the benefits of excess chocolate. Plus, it was making me tired all the time so a revision had to be made. I decided to go ahead and see the doctor my office was assigning patients to after my original doctor left. I was apprehensive but hopeful. Turns out I didn't have anything to worry about. The new doctor was efficient and quick, two qualities I prefer in a doctor. So after one dosage variation and no change to the tiredness or weight, we decided to start from scratch. The new approach would be a separate medicine for depression and anxiety, basically what I had tried a few years ago but at different levels of newer prescriptions.


For two glorious weeks I felt like a rock star. I was able to plan and execute Penny's 2nd birthday party and Halloween with no issues. I felt like myself instead of a crazy woman just faking it and saying everything was hunky-dory. The third week found me crying at night for no apparent reason. The fourth week was just short of Hell. I was back to being where I was before I went into the hospital. It had taken only four short weeks to get me back to what had before taken a year. 


Back to the doctor I went. It turns out I definitely need a mood stabilizer to be a functioning human being. Three new drugs later and so far so good.


The real test will be the Christmas season. We have plans for visiting family and for family visiting us and I want to be as relaxed and unstressed as possible. You know, more on the non-crazy side of the fence than the crazy side, with me under the umbrella.