the house that 'if' built

I am very far from where I started. I know this. I look back and know my life would have turned out differently. And as sad as it is, I am extremely happy for how it has been. In movies they sometimes show that 'one single event' in a person's life that transforms and changes their whole path. In real life it's hard to see the end when you're at the beginning. But 10 years ago something happened that completely altered my path through life. Ten years ago today, my best friend Bobbe died in a car accident.

We were a year out of high school and knew it all. We had been inseparable since junior year. Where one was, the other was also. We were now both in college preparing for our futures. I was going to be a high school English teacher. Bobbe wanted to be a dentist. I was working at the Disney Store in the mall and she was working at the AZ Diamondbacks' Ballpark. We knew what we wanted and we knew we were going to do everything together. We were going to live next door to each other. Raise our kids together. Grow old still being best friends. And in one horrific day - she was gone.

I can't even begin to explain how earth shattering this was. I was delirious. Furious and hateful at God and the universe, pleading that it had all been a dream.

Slowly, oh so slowly, I began to get back on my feet. And slowly I pulled my world together. I didn't do it alone. I had help. Medication, therapists. But mostly my family and hers.

Life began to change. I question all the time - Would I still be the same person? How different would my world be? I do know this -

I wouldn't have taken a semester off of school and eventually changed my major to Marketing. I wouldn't have taken a new job at the Municipal Court in Phoenix then worked there for 5 years. I wouldn't have spent most of my time with Bobbe's cousin Angie, becoming more like family than friends. I wouldn't have gotten my BS in Global Business and after graduating gone to visit Angie who had moved to Utah. I wouldn't have felt the pressing need to move there too. The Provo court wouldn't have hired me a week after I moved without my previous job experience.

I wouldn't have become friends with a deputy, who knew Jason, and set us up on a blind date. I wouldn't have met, fallen madly in love with and married the perfect man for me. And we wouldn't have the most precious little girl in the world.

I wouldn't have done all of the other million things in the last 10 years that have made me the person that I am.

I don't know what the future would have been if Bobbe hadn't died but I know I miss her terribly. I wonder all the time where I would be if she were still here. Sometimes I don't want to know the answer. But most of the time I just miss her and wish she could share this with me.