inside my head

I haven't written much lately about my depression because I live under the assumption that you can make a bad thing worse. I've been trying to keep it mostly to myself, sensing that if I let it out into the universe, the Dictator of Depression would turn his vengeful eye hither, acknowledge me and sentence me to a beheading. Which sometimes I think couldn't be that bad of a situation. No more thinking? No more brain to cause me stress? No more having to comb my hair? Where do I sign up?

I used to be easy-going. Or at least I thought I was. It used to be fine when I was late. Who cared? And lists? Lists? What are those? When did I become so uptight? When did it become imperative that I not be late? That the dishes be put into the sink and rinsed as soon as we’re done with them? Is the world going to implode if they sit there on the table? Are the Dish Nazis going to storm through the door and arrest us because we let them sit? The answer is simple.

Yes, to all of the above.

I began seeing a therapist on the recommendation of my family doctor about a month ago. I have a major aversion to therapists in general and it took major convincing on the part of my husband (promises of sex and sushi; in that order) to get me to call and make an appointment. I went. And I hated it. A lot. I cried on the way home because I knew I would have to go back. She wasn't mean, just disinterested. She didn't even try to remember my name; just looked it up on the info sheet each time she decided to use it. The next time I went, Jason wanted to go too. Maybe because he knew I would ditch the first chance that came along. The therapist used his name three times in one session. Apparently he's worth remembering.

My diagnosis is that I'm a Perfectionist. It's to the point where I can't function because of the stress and worry over that which I have no control over. I worry about the future to the extent that I forget about the present. And I agonize over all that I can't accomplish. Church is hard. Family is harder. Work is hardest of all.

But I'm working on it. Slowly. That's all I can commit to right now.