the elephant in the room

This is something I don't really want to talk about or even bring attention to. That being said, it's kind of like the elephant in the room - hard to miss. 


I am overweight. It's pretty easy to write those words. They almost write themselves. What isn't easy is the mental preparation needed to put thought to paper. And I'm not just overweight. I'm obese. Morbidly obese according to my doctors. Currently I'm 125 lbs over a healthy weight. I'm crying as I write that. I never intended for my weight to end up here but happy (pregnancies) and sad (medication side effects) circumstances have gotten me to this point. 

In my early 20's I worked very hard to lose the 30 lbs I had gained in college. By the time I was 24 I was FIT. I could run up a flight of stairs with a weight vest, bench press 70 lbs and bore you with the quantity of lunges I could do. Then I got married. Then I got pregnant. Then my mental health went to shit. And the weight just kept piling on. 

It's embarrassing. I still wear a pair of maternity capris because they're the only ones that fit. I don't want to continue at this weight. It's not healthy for me physically or mentally. I have problems with my joints, especially in my knees. My ankles are already bad and the extra weight doesn't help with that. 

But the worst casualty of my excessive weight is my self-esteem. I have none left. Yes, I still try and put in some effort to look nice. I wear clothes that fit my size now, I put on makeup and do my hair most days. But when Jason says I look good, I don't really believe him. All I want to see in the mirror is the person I used to be. 

So here's the deal. I'm in the process of getting approved for gastric bypass surgery. There's a lot of hoops that have to be jumped through before insurance will cover it and I'm tackling those. But I'm glad there are hoops. If it were an easy process, I wouldn't take it as seriously. It is a major surgery with life changing consequences. I'll never be able to eat the same again but that's exactly what I need. I've been unable to lose the weight on my own so surgery is a great option for me. 

I don't know when I'll have the surgery scheduled. It might be towards the end of summer. But it's going to happen. I want to eat and feel full. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I want me back.