a hell of a year

A year ago I was not in a good place. I had basically made up my mind that I was going to get in the car and go. Where you ask? I still have no idea. What I was certain was that my family would be a lot happier if I wasn't there screwing it all up with my brokenness. Instead, Jason convinced me to admit myself to a mental facility. You can read about that here and here. Those were probably the hardest 5 days of my life. But once I got out I had a new motto - "It can get better." I could get better. Life could be better, happier, easier. Then came a year's worth of roller coaster side effects and medication cocktail swapping (here, here and here). It was a hard road, struggling with weight gain, self esteem issues and more depression. 

But it was still better than the days, months, years leading up to the commitment. The "before" days seem to have a hazy dream-like quality to them. Before the hospital I felt either complete disconnection or co-dependent attachment to the people and things around me. I had panic attacks anytime Jason had to go to work but felt no real connection to Penny. I think that's what saddens me the most about that time. Because I hadn't been on proper medication since before she was born I feel like I missed out on that all-important bonding that occurs between a new mother and her baby. I'm heartbroken to admit that I still struggle with feeling that connection with her even after 2 years. It's getting better but there are days I wish I could go back to when she was born and start again; get the right meds sooner, something, anything, so I could feel closer to my child. I'm working on it though. 

In the meantime we've been working hard on getting things in order so we can move to Arizona. In just the last four months Jason's had to go down to Phoenix four times, once while I was seriously ill. We put our house on the market, had to lower the price three times and had dozens of strangers walk through. But now we finally seem to be on the right track. Jason will go down to Phoenix, again, next week for the final stage of interviews with Avondale. If all goes well, they will be offering him a job before he leaves. We've also accepted an offer on the house. We're waiting for all the paperwork to go through but we could have it sold as soon as the end of the month. Our next step would be getting a house down in AZ but we're waiting on Jason's job first. The timing is tricky but so far it seems to be coming together. 

Hospital commitments, medication relapses, illness, deciding to move, selling the house, finding a new job. 

Altogether it's really been a hell of a year.