the low end

It's hard to tell someone you love that you're not happy. Especially when it's not their fault you feel like this. And there's no right thing to say in response to that monumental statement.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm just not happy."

"...."

Most think it's our right to be happy. That the forefathers gifted happiness to us in a package along with freedom. But the Declaration only says the pursuit of happiness is guaranteed. The government isn't just handing out samples of happiness with your voter registration. Pursuit implies effort; trying and sometimes failing.

And, man, have I been failing at it lately.

I began wondering if my body had just gotten used to this permanent state of fatigue and dreariness. That when I woke in the morning I expected the dread and so there it was - the anxiety of another LONG day before I could bury myself back under the covers and hide.

Besides the dread there were other indications that something else might be off. Dry skin, weight gain (more than just from the baby), hair loss, added depression. I went to the doctor positive in my mind that it was my thyroid. I knew that's what was wrong. Couldn't be anything else. I've been having my thyroid checked every year or so for the past six years and this time, this time, it had to be the answer.

But after four months and a series of blood tests it turns out it's not. I have all the symptoms of hypothyriod but that's not it. Blood work showed I'm on the low end of normal - between .4 and 2.65 and I'm at .6 - you can't get any clearer than that.

So then what's wrong with me? Why am I cringing in the morning when I hear the baby singing to herself through the monitor? Why am I disgruntled that I have to do laundry? Why am I out of my mind furious when I see that Jason forgot to feed the ducks? That's not normal. But at least I know that.

So back to the doctor and I'm on a new anti-depressant. Turns out all those symptoms can also be attributed to long term use of certain depression medications. The last one wasn't working at the dose I was OK to take, so we try another. This is only my second day. We'll see how tomorrow goes. Then the next day.

I just know that I'm tired of being on the low end of happy.