Have you ever felt like you're running really fast just to stay in the same place? And that you'd have to run twice as fast just to get where you want to go? I feel like that a lot lately. Like I'm moving and moving and moving and not getting anywhere. I want to be different. I want to be better. I want, I want, I want. I want a lot.
I just don't know what I need.
I keep looking for something to fill the space. Nothing quite does it. I feel like I should be doing more. But more of what? Do I just need to get acclimated to my new role - the role of the one who stays at home? I'm so used to always having something to do that when there's nothing I feel...useless. Futile.
I didn't mean for this to be a woe-is-me post. But these things have been on my mind constantly lately. Besides taking care of the baby and housework, I don't feel like I contribute, that I don't earn my keep. There are so many things I want to do but I don't know how.
I want to sew. I haven't sewn anything besides hems in 19 years. And I don't have a sewing machine. I want to learn to crochet. I want to finish a scrapbook I started 10 years ago. I want to make something, do something, contribute something. I don't even know where to start.
I guess that's just what I wanted to say - I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. But that doesn't matter because I don't even know where to start. I'm just stuck in place.
Jamie dear -- you might enjoy working in the garden. Now that the weather is nice, Penny could enjoy herself in the playpen while you dig in the dirt. I'm sure Jason would give you your own "bit of earth" to make an english garden -- all sorts of flowers -- and build a small picket fence. I find an amazing sense of delight in working in the garden. Maybe you would, too. And making your own fence would give you a big boost of confidence. I built our garden boxes and it was really fun and I'm proud of them.
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