Last night seemed like the longest of my life. Longer than the 4 months spent waiting for our wedding. Longer than the 9 months spent pregnant. Way longer than the 4 years in high school. Lately I've had some problems with getting Penelope to sleep at a decent hour. I know babies don't have schedules - they're babies! - but they definitely need their sleep. And getting to sleep after 2am every night was beginning to wear on me. The last two weeks my depression has flared vehemently. I've felt in turn inadequate, stupid, powerless and ill-equipped at being a mother. Jason has done what he can but he has to get up early for work and four hours of sleep doesn't work well for him either. So she and I rock while watching Animal Planet at 1am. And all the frustration at being the only one awake to deal with this soon transmorphs into resentment that I'm doing this alone. Which, of course, is not the case at all. But a sleep-lacking brain cannot be reasoned with.
So after a few nights of crying myself to sleep, Jason and I decided we would start Penny on a sleep schedule sooner than the book recommended 4 months. First we tried laying with her in the bed with us. It was about 9:30pm and she wiggled and fussed until 10:30. She was still hungry so I fed her and laid her back down. And still she wiggled. And still I cried in frustration. So Jason made the executive decision. We put her in her crib in the nursery at 11pm, turned on the baby monitor, closed the door and watched The Adventures of Pluto Nash. Not a movie I'd recommend for just any occasion but for trying to ignore the heart-breaking screams coming from the other room, it did an OK job.
She screamed and cried for an hour and a half. And I sat cuddled in Jason's arms and cried with her. It wasn't her crying that broke my heart. It was the fact that I had to let her cry. She had to cry it out and learn to soothe herself. A very hard lesson for a 3 month old to learn and an even harder one for her 28 year old mother to accept.
Morning came even sooner than I thought it would and I could hardly believe I had actually slept. Penny woke about 8:30am, all smiles and coos. She went down for her morning nap early and slept three hours. She ate again, we played and then she went back down for her afternoon nap. Two naps! Without fuss! It may have been the longest night of my life but apparently it was worth it.
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