Last night was our final birthing class we were taking from the hospital. I've hesitated about writing about it until we were finished because I kind of wanted to reserve judgment. So I did. The funny thing is, even four weeks later, first impressions can be SO true.
Our first class started with what I will call the usual introductions for this kind of situation - names, due dates and sex of the baby if known.
My first WHOA moment occurred after only three people had introduced themselves. All three ladies had my due date. I sat in stunned silence trying to find my chin which was somewhere in the vicinity of my lap. They - them right there? - were as far along as I was? They all looked like their bellies might explode if someone in Idaho sneezed too loudly. Not having anyone to compare myself to until now had made all the comments I'd received of "oh your belly is so tiny" seem weird. My belly wasn't tiny. Couldn't they see the stretch marks spreading though my shirt? Couldn't they hear my joints groaning when I thought about bending over? I'm huge, HUGE I TELL YOU!
But no. Apparently I'm just what they said - tiny. A word that has never in my 28 years of life been applicable to me. And can I tell you how much I LOVE it now. I don't love that I was sick for 6 months and that's why I'm still not as rotund as others but I do love that my belly is petite on a body that will never EVER be.
So. Back to the class. There were about 20 couples that first night as we began discussing some of the physical discomforts we'd been experiencing. And some of the questions these people asked foreshadowed the ignorance to come.
"I've been having bad heartburn. Is that normal?"
Excuse me? Heartburn? You're really asking if heartburn in normal for a pregnant lady? Okay....
Let's move on.
"I'm tired ALL the time."
Well, that's not really a question now is it. But yes, I'll give you that one and it's normal. Totally normal.
About this time I starting thinking - couldn't believe it- but started thinking that maybe NONE of these women had read a single thing about being pregnant. Could that possibly be? In this day of instant Google access, could ALL these women really not know what to expect during pregnancy? And yet the idiotic questions continued.
I think Jason and I could have handled the ridiculous questions if they had been limited to the mundane aspects of being uncomfortable during pregnancy. But then we moved on to other areas such as what we could expect during actual childbirth, C-sections, epidurals, episiotomies, and we began to hear questions like this -
"I saw this thing on TV about a lady who gave birth and the baby came out backwards and with three heads, all of which spoke Cantonese. Could that happen to me?" (Actual question may have differed a little from this but the sentiment was the same.)
Yes. It could happen to you. It's totally normal. Extremely normal. So normal in fact that TLC felt the need to make a SPECIAL about it, warning every woman out there of the probability that it would happen to them. And, **bless her heart, the lady teaching the class couldn't seem to say NO to any outrageous questions these insane pregnant women were asking. Instead she hemmed and hawwed and said "no, not really" "well, not always" "possibly" and if the woman asking the questions pressed, the teacher would give in and say "yeah, sometimes, that might happen to you."
What??? Did she really just confirm, to a room full of women scared of passing something the size of a cantaloupe out their lady bits, that someone - someone in this room! - might give birth to a baby with three heads who speak Cantonese?
When the 2 1/2 hours were finally over, Jason and I looked at each other and seriously considered saying "screw the $60" and staying home the next week.
Instead, we went back. Again and again. I know, we're suckers.
Now it's done. Do I feel any more prepared than before? Not really. But then, I've read three pregnancy books and have Googled every aspect of birth at least a dozen times before. I'm anal retentive at the best of times. Completely OCD now. I don't think I was really the target audience for those classes. But like I said, they're done with now. And if I went into labor tomorrow I would be as prepared as I could possibly be.
Except that the Cantonese/English dictionary I ordered hasn't been delivered yet.
You know, just in case.
**This is something we say in Utah when we really mean the person is a complete idiot who means well but does much more damage than good when they are speaking.
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